Cory's dad called last night with more definitive news, most of which was positive. The doctors now say the cancer started on the ovaries. They also found cancer on the appendix, stomach, pancreas and liver. They removed Mary's ovaries and appendix in her Thanksgiving Day surgery, and the pathology reports show that the cancer was ON them and not IN them. That's terrific news as far as we're concerned. If the cancer started on the ovaries and had not yet gotten in them, we're praying that the same holds true for the other organs the cancer has been found on.

Aside from praying, Cory and I have also been doing a lot of visualization. I've been visualizing the cancer as this gray spider web coating Mary's organs, and I see it peeling back from the organs and curling up into a ball and disappearing. If her cancer is like a spider web and hasn't had a chance to invade her organs yet, then it feels like she has such a better chance.

The only scary news for us last night was that Mary was once again saying she didn't think she wanted to fight this. Cory's dad didn't sound too worried about her being serious, so we're hoping she's just trying to process it all and will realize that everything sounds so much more positive than it did last Thursday. I think she's frustrated with it taking so long to heal from the surgery, but since she's never had such a major surgery before she just didn't realize that it might take more than a few days to regain any part of her strength.

I think it was yesterday that Mary had her final tubes removed - the catheter and the nasal gastric tube. She's been up walking five times and up an additional 2-3 times more to use the bathroom. She was even able to try a few clear liquids yesterday.

It's still such a roller coaster for us. We're trying to get back into something of a routine and carry on with all of the normalities of life. Then we'll be in the middle of something and have a panic attack thinking "Oh my God! Mary has cancer. She may not make it." I haven't quite figured out how I'm supposed to feel. Should I feel guilty that I was able to sit and enjoy reading the newspaper yesterday? Or should I feel glad that I'm able to escape from the worrying and sadness for a bit? I've been so cranky with the kids, and I feel just awful about it. I think I've just been trying to hold it all together while we were at the hospital and I was keeping the kids content, and then we get home and I end up releasing all of my stress on the poor kids.

Yesterday we put up a few Christmas decorations, and I ordered reprints for the picture we're sending out with our cards. Usually Cory writes a letter to include with our cards, too, but this year it just isn't going to happen.

Cole's falling asleep nursing right now. I guess that means he'll be full of energy for story time at the library. We usually head over to my co-Leader's house today, too, but I don't know that we'll get that done. I'll have to see what the kids are feeling like. I need to talk with her since there's the possibility I won't be at the La Leche League meeting on Saturday. We may be heading to be with Cory's parents - Mary is supposed to get out of the hospital Thursday or Friday - but we probably won't know until right before we can leave. Cory's dad said he was afraid Mary would feel obligated to be with Accalia and Cole and entertain them. That's the last thing we want to happen, so we may just wait until the next weekend to visit.